The Neji files 2
by Tally Mai-chan
Summary: Neji has moved on to his next mission! This time he's getting the dirty info on the feared Akatsuki! Will his sanity prevail? Or will he end up as plant food, shark food, sacrificed, a puppet, blown into a million pieces or lose his heart.
1. Intro

The Neji files 2!

* * *

Me: Yay! The Neji Files two is here!!

Neji: (gagged and tied up in a very small cage) MUFFFF MUFFLE FUMFDLKHKJKLF!! (translation: SOMEBODY PLEASE SAVE ME! I WAS ABDUCTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!)

Me: You must be so excited Neji to be going on your next mission!

Neji: DKFLDSFHLIDSNFDSNFLSF (translation: I'D RATHER FACE FANGIRLS)

Me: Wow! You just can't wait to get going can you?

Neji: MUFFLEF MFLKDH FDSF (Translation: I WANT TO GO HOME TO MY SAVE BED! AND PRAY THAT I NEVER SEE OR HEAR YOU AGAIN!)

Me: You want a muffin? There's no time for that! I need to get you to Akatsuki! Tobi should be here any minuet…

Tobi: TOBI IS HERE!! TOBI IS HERE!

Me: Yay Tobi! Here's Neji. Your new best-est buddy!

Tobi: Ooh., ooh! Tobi and new best-est buddy are going to be BBFs forever! Tobi and new best-est buddy get to go on a mission together too!

Neji: MUJFDFSLFD JFLKDSFFDS!! (Translation: SHOOT ME PLEASE! SHOOT ME!)

Me: Well everything is all set! Bye-bye Tobi! Bye-bye Neji! Remember! The mission is almost the same as last time. During my stay at the Akatsuki base, all the members left the base inconspicuously by themselves. I think that they are all hiding a secret life. Discover what they are! And Neji, I promise to pay you the 20,000,000 ryo that I owe you if you finish.

Neji: DFDSJLFKIUHDFLS (translation: I WANT MY MONEY NOW!)

Tobi: LEEEEEET'S GOOOOOOO!! (uses Teleportation jutsu)

Me: (sniff) there goes one brave soul. His sanity is certainly not going to last this time. I _will_ win back my money from Tsunade.


	2. Hidan and Deidara

**I have an important announcement! **

I drove a car today! FOR THE FIRST TIME! It was awesome! I drove around my church parking lot in my moms car. I almost hit a pole and I kept hitting the brakes to hard, jerking the car to a stop. And don't worry my dad was with me and there were no other cars there. If ther was then I would owe a lot a people a lot of money. Lol.

* * *

Neji was laying down on a soft bed with black and red sheets when he woke up the next morning. He tenderly rubbed his head. He had a really back headache.

_**Good Morning Neji! It's time to begin your secret mission within the Akatsuki!**_

_Forget you, I am NOT doing this. It's all just some mean prank._

_**Neji! You are doing this! Your contract is still intact! Besides this is not a prank, it's for real. Your first mission, yes it was a mean prank but it was also to train you for this moment. The Akatsuki are criminals. One mistake and you could end up, either. A. Eaten by a plant man. B. Get turned into a puppet, C. Get blown up, D. Get sacrificed, E. Have your heart ripped out from your body, F. Get mind raped via Sharingan, G. End up giant sword and shark food, H. Get a lot of paper cuts or I. Get castrated by the leader of Akatsuki.**_

…_. WHAT THE HECK!_

_**Don't worry you'll be fine! You have a secret weapon!**_

_What!_

_**Not what… who**_

"New best-est buddy! Are you awake yet?" Tobi came bounding into the room.

_Him?_ Asked Neji as he eyed the supposed Akatsuki.

_**Yep! Tobi is a good boy! I gotta go now, me and Tsunade are gonna go drinking and guy hunting. Your first targets are Hidan and Deidara. Have fun and don't die!**_

_Easy for you to say._ Neji turned his attention to Tobi. "Um… first of all, my name is Hyuga Neji and second of all, you can't seriously be an Akatsuki member can you?"

"Tobi is an Akatsuki! Cuz Tobi is a good boy!"

"But how can you be IN the Akatsuki if you're a GOOD boy."

"Zetsu-san got Tobi into the Akatsuki."

"…"

"Tobi remembers that were supposed to be doing something right?"

"Yeah, we're going after Hidan and Deidara first."

"Hidan-sempai and Sempai? Well Tobi saw Hidan-sempai leave the base a few minuets ago..."

"Ok then, we give chase."

"Yay! Tobi's first mission ever! Tobi is sooo excited!"

Neji slapped his forehead.

* * *

Half an hour latter…

* * *

Neji and Tobi trailed Hidan as he walked to a town not to far away. Neji was surprised at how well Tobi tracked, he tracked almost as good as he did, wait. No, no, NO way could Tobi be better at tracking then him, he had… Byakugan, yeah! Nothin' beats byakugan.

"Where's Hidan-sempai going? He went inside that big building."

"Byakugan!" Neji couldn't help but smirk. Of course he was the better tracker.

"What do you see? What do you see?" Tobi asked impatiently, he jittered from one foot to the other.

Neji focused harder on Hidan. He was standing by himself on an open stage. "He's just standing there... wait a woman is walking towards him… oh my pie."

**WARNING!**

If I can explain this right then all of you will have nose bleeds by the end of this chapter. Even now as I type this my nose is gushing out blood…. Especially Hidan fans like me. Feel free to fan girl scream and wake your neighbors cuz it's 1 am and you're reading this instead of sleeping and growing taller, yeah. Yeah I know that I should stop rambling and continue, yeah… And I'm copying Deidara cuz I want to, yeah. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH IT!? …. Nose bleed… YEAH!

**END OF WARNING!**

Hidan had removed his cloak revealing a sexy white shirt. You know how sometimes when you go to a book store you somehow end up in the romance section? And your eyes somehow stray to a cover of a book and you see a guy on it wearing a lose while shirt with a deep V-neck collar and a little puff at the cuff at the wrists. Well… that is exactly the shirt that Hidan is wearing.

The lady had also taken off her heavy fur coat reveling an elegant, but slightly skimpy, ballroom dance dress. Classical music played and they danced.

No, danced is an understatement. They moved with such grace and dexterity that they floated, leaped and flowed across the stage. Their bodies moving in perfect harmony to the music. When the music stopped they stopped. Neji could see their chests heaving.

After a few words they put their coats back on and left the stage in opposite directions.

Tobi couldn't contain his curiously. He grabbed Neji by the shoulders and shook him. "WHATWHATWHATWHATWHATWHAAAAAAAAAT!!"

Neji pried himself away from the masked maniac and calmly told Tobi everything he saw.

"Wow! Tobi didn't know that Hidan-sempai can dance! Maybe Hidan-sempai can teach Tobi a few moves!"

"NOO!" Neji yelled, startling Tobi.

"Why not?"

"He can't know that we know this… it… it will ruin the whole mission!" Tobi gasped.

"No! Tobi will be a good boy! Tobi will not tell!"

"Good Tobi, now-'

"Then Tobi is a good boy?"

"Yes Tobi is a good boy, now we need-"

"YAY! TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!"

Neji smacked his forehead. "Tobi we need to-"

"Can Tobi have ice cream?"

"WENEEDTOFINDDEIDARA!" (Translation: We need to find Deidara)

"Oh well why didn't you say so? Tobi will find sempai no problem!"

"…"

* * *

One ice cream stop (I just had to get him his ice cream! Tobi is a good boy!) And an hour later…

* * *

They had found Deidara standing out side of a movie theater. (Yes there are movies in the Naruto world, just watch the beginning of the first movie.)

"What's sempai doing?" Tobi asked. He and Neji were concealed behind a few tall bushes.

"Looks like he's waiting for someone." Deidara constantly looked around him. "That or he's just going to blow the whole place up.

"Well this is boring."

"No one ever said that this was interesting."

"Well the people on TV made this look fun and exciting!"

"This is real life Tobi."

"No we're a TV show too remember? An anime called Naruto."

"What the heck are you talking about? What about Naruto?"

"Nothing."

"Shut up for a moment. Deidara seems to have spotted something. Byakugan!" Neji looked past a group of people and saw Tenten the love of his life. "Tenten!"

"Tenten?"

"My teammate now shut up." Neji watched with horror as Tenten moved closer to Deidara. Neji cried out in mental anguish.

_No Tenten! Run away! That guy is gonna blow this place up or something!_

Tenten was almost to Deidara

_Tenten turn around! Criminal 2 'O' Clock!_

Tenten walked right up to Deidara.

_Tenten?_

She seemed to be talking to him. He said something and she giggled.

_She's… she's… no. it can't be… i-it just can't be._

_**Oh but it is Neji. Deidara is dating Tenten**_

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_

"Is that sempai with a _girl?_" Tobi pushed away some branches to get a better look. "Ooh! Sempai is on a _date_! There going to go see a movie! Let's follow them in!" Tobi disappeared and reappeared outside the theater entrance. Deidara and Tenten had already gone in.

"How did he- No, there's no way he's better than me. I'm way better than him, I'm better than anybody for that matter."

* * *

Tobi and Neji had successfully snuck into the theater since Tobi and Neji had no cash on them.

"I wonder what movie this is." Tobi and Neji were in the farthest row back. They couldn't risk being seen by Deidara.

_Although I bet that it would ruin his date with MY Tenten_

_**Oh, so she's **__yours__**. Tell me have you ever asked her out?**_

_Well no but-_

_**No buts! Now shut up and watch the movie.**_

Neji grumbled and sunk down in his seat. The lights dimed and the movie came on.

"Wow… Tobi didn't know that Sempai liked these kinds of movies."

"I thought Tenten said she would never be caught dead seeing these movies." The gayest chick flick came on the screen.

* * *

After 2 and half hours of mind rape via gay and girly stuff Neji was brain dead and Tobi shivered and whimpered like a kicked puppy.

"Is it over?" He asked. Neji nodded.

_**Sniff, sniff. The ending… was so sad. **_

_You actually liked that?_

_**... sniff… noooooo. Why would I like this? I mean it's the gayest thing ever**__!_

_You liked it…_

_Shut up._

"Can we go home now? Tobi needs to bash his head with a brick to get rid of the mental images."

"I think I need to do that too."

* * *

They got back to the base just fine but they never did find that brick…

* * *

Me: First chapter yeah!

Neji: You like gay chick flicks….

Me: I DO NOT!

Tobi: Tally do you have a brick?

Me: Tobi! Good boys don't hit their heads with bricks! You use plush toys instead!

Tobi: Please, Tobi would like a brick.

Me: No! I told you good boys-

Tobi: (lightning flashed and evil eerie music plays) (in a menacing tone) Tobi is not a good boy, now give me a brick before I shove it up your (beep!)

Me: O.O … Here (hands brick)

Tobi: (bright and cheerful with flowers raining down on him) Thank you so much! Tally is a good girl!!

Neji:.. WTF?

Me: My thoughts exactly… Your gonna look into that later…

Neji: O.o NOT FOR ALL THE MONEY AND FANGIRL PROTECTION IN THE WORLD!

Me: Your gonna do it cuz I tell you to and because your under contract.

Neji: (bleep) the contract.

Me: POTTY MOUTH!

Neji: Whatever, you're rambling again. REVIEW NOW! OR ELSE I WILL USE MY ALMIGHTLY NEJI KITTY POWERS ON YOOOOOU!

Me: O.O That's even scarier….


	3. Itachi and Kakuzu

Me: Yosh! Another chapter! Today's victims are dun, dun, dunnnn! Your favorite Uchiha… ITACHI!

Tobi: YAY Tobi get's to spy on Itachi-san!

Neji: Uchiha Itachi? You mean the guy that killed his entire clan just to test his streangh?

Me: The one and only. And our second victim today is… Kakuzu! Good luck today guys… you're gonna need it.

Tobi; Let's goooo!

Neji: SHOOT MEEEEEEEEE

* * *

"So what do you think Itachi-sempai is doing Ji-kun?"

"For the millionth time it's NE-ji. Got it? NE-ji"

"Tobi likes Ji-kun better."

"Oh I give up."

"look! Itachi san is doing something!" And indeed Itachi was. They had followed him through a rather shady part of Amegakure. The street sides were littered with junkies and poor people. Itachi stood before a small group of juvenile teens. All of them in gangsta drag.

"Yo bird." Said one of teens. He was more gothic gangsta than just plain gangster. "Yo dogs gonna hit the joint?"

"yo gonna gum"

"I got no kick."

Tobi shock Neji gently on the shoulder. "What are they saying Ji-kun?"

"One sec Tobi just let me get my gangster/English dictionary. Um... let's see. Uh, your dancing going to rock the house? And… You're going to interfere? I'm not complaining. I don't think that it's accurate "yo gonna gum" has at least three different meanings"

"Oh Tobi understands now. Tobi didn't know that Itachi spoke gangster. (It is pretty hard XD)

"Sh their talking some more."

The gnagster/goth and the others cleared a space that Itachi stood at the center at, then he started to sing.

"(Yoooouuuu!)  
Soulja boy I tell 'em  
Hey I got a new dance fo you all called the soulja boy  
(Yoooouuuu!)  
You gotta punch then crank back three times from left to right  
(Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaah!)

Chorus: x2  
Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe  
Watch me Crank It  
Watch me Roll  
Watch me Crank Dat Soulja Boy  
Then Super Man Dat Hoe  
Now, Watch me You...  
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)  
Now, Watch me You...  
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)  
Now, Watch me You...  
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)  
Now, Watch me You...  
(Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

It was soulja boy like you never heard it. It was an extremely gangster rap version.

"Wow, Tobi didn't know that Itachi could sing."

Neji blinked a few times. "I didn't know that Itachi was gangsta. No wonder Sasuke is emo."

"Tobi thinks we should leave now, I think Itachi noticed us."

"What? Come on let's get the heck out of here!" Neji and Tobi got away before Itachi caught them.

"That was a close one." Neji and Tobi ran and ran until they were at a more safer part of town.

"Look! It's Kakuzu-sempai! Ooh I can't see him anymore! He went inside that building."

"Let take a look, Byakugan!"

"What's going on! What's going on!"

Neji squinted his eyes. Kakuzu had just walked into an elevator. "He's in a elevator. And I think he's on the 6 floor, he's walking down a hallway to some kind of room. And… Oh my pie."

"What, what!"

"The room it's…"

"It's what? It's what?"

"It's filled with wedding dresses and kimonos."

"What?"

"You heard me. Wait a sec he's doing something, he's, he's… at a sewing machine? Wait he's…sewing… a dress."

"Kakuzu-sempai makes wedding dresses?"

"It looks like it."

"Wow… well it make's sense if you think about it. He is stringy after all."

"Are you alright?"

"Why do you ask?"

"You're acting different from usual…" Thunder struck out of nowhere. Neji cowered in fear as Tobi towered over him.

"Do you really think that I am acting different?" He asked in an extremely menacing tone. Neji shook his head and flowers and happiness oozed out of Tobi.

"Ji-kun! We must go see Tally so we can tell her all the info we got!" Neji sighed with relief.

"No need to, she'll just watch it later."

"??"

"There are cameras in my eyes that video tape everything I see…" he eeped in horror. Evil Tobi was back.

"I hate to do this to you Neji-san but it must be done." All Neji saw before he was knocked out was a black and red eye.

* * *

Me: yeah not the best chapter but it's something at least!

Evil Tobi: Tally Mai...

Me: O.o (runs away very fast with Hidan as a human shield)

Hidan: WTF!!

Evil Tobi: I'm not afraid of any immortal! (chases)

Neji: (looks around and talkes very quietly to reader) Please, save me. Don't review. If you review than that demon will write that next chapter. You don't want me to loss my sanity do you?

Me: (Runs back full speed) YES THEY DO! NOW REVIEW!

Hidan: Yeah! Review seriously!


	4. Zetsu and Kisame

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto. If i did then the whole story would be about the Akatuski

* * *

_**Hello**_ - Tally Mai speaking

_Hello_ - Neji/Good Tobi speaking

_Hello_ - Evil Tobi speaking

* * *

Me: Hello good readers!

Tobi: Tobi is a good boy!

Neji: Please shot me.

Me: Today's targets are… Zetsu and Kisame!

Tobi: Yay!

Neji: You mean the cannibal and shark dude?

Me: Show some respect Neji!

Evil Tobi: Yeah! (Lightning flashes)

Me and Neji: O.o

Evil Tobi: MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: Hurry! Start the story Neji!

Neji: Ok, ok!

* * *

Neji was dead tired. He swore that Itachi saw them yesterday for the Uchiha kept glaring at him. With a sigh Neji looked around the room. The Akatsuki may be criminals but they live in style. His room was entirely black and red with white. All the furniture was top grade, all of his clothes-given to him by Tobi-were made by top designers. Neji figured that Kakuzu pulled some strings cuz just one shirt must of cost a fortune. Neji grimaced as someone banged on his door.

"Ji-kun! Are you up yet! Tobi wants' some help making breakfast!" Neji gave a groan in response. "Oh don't be like that Ji-kun!" Tobi burst into his room and jumped up and down on his bed with him still on it.

"Get off my bed Tobi!" Neji yelled angrily at the orange masked man. Tobi stopped jumping and whimpered slightly.

"But Tobi is a good boy."

"Go be a good boy somewhere else." Neji smiled. He just a got a wicked idea. "In fact why don't you be a good boy and go "play" with Deidara? He seemed so sad and lonely the last time I saw him." Tobi gasped.

"Sempai? Lonely! Don't worry sempai! Tobi will play with you all day and make you happy again!" Neji snickered as Tobi ran off to find Deidara.

_**Now that's not nice.**_

_Back from drinking with Tsunade?_

_**Yep. I'm watching the stuff you got on Hidan and Deidara right now.**_

_Sniff, sniff_

_**What's your problem?**_

_Tenten she's…_

_**Dating Deidara? Yeah I know.**_

_You knew!_

_**Yeah, of curse I knew. I was the one that got them together in the first place… Neji? NEJI!**_

Neji couldn't respond, his mind and soul had died.

_**Oh dear… I was hoping that it wouldn't have to come to this… but I must. Sniff, poor Tobi he doesn't know all the evil I had done to him.**_

* * *

Meanwhile, somewhere in the base Tobi was running away from Deidara's clay bombs.

"But sempai is lonely! Tobi just wants' to help!"

"Dangit Tobi! I am NOT lonely! Now get lost!"

"But Tobi wants' to make sempai happy!"

"Do you think I'm gay or something?"

"Well Tobi dose think that you look a little like a-"

"TOBI DON'T YOU DARE SAY IT!"

"But you asked Tobi!" At the last second Tobi dogged that last of Deidara's clay bombs.

"Tobi." Deidara glared poison at Tobi. "Leave me alone."

"But-" Tobi was about to say 'But sempai! Tobi wants to be your friend!' But something else happened.

_**Tobi**_. Tally Mai's voice came from inside his head.

Tobi EEP'ed out loud. Deidara regarded him for a moment before scowling and stomping off.

_Um…_

_**Hey ya Tobi!**_

_Um… why is Tally Mai in Tobi's head?_

_**You went through the same surgery Neji did.**_

_I have cameras in my eyes too?_

_**Yep! **_

_I'm going to kill you._

_**Ah but you can't**_

_And why not?_

_**You're under a contract.**_

_What contract?_

_**That piece of paper you signed at breakfast three weeks ago.**_

…

_**Hey it's not my fault that you don't read these things. And just so you know. You can not kill me even after the contract is over.**_

…

_**Don't be that way! Besides Neji is out of commission so you need to finish the mission today.**_

_Who are the targets?_

_**Let's see… um… Zetsu and Kisame.**_

_Ok. I'll start with Zetsu-san. His room is closer. _

_**Tobi is such a good boy!**_

_Oh can it._

_**Tobi… don't mess with me.**_

…

* * *

Tobi was standing outside of Zetsu's room. Not sure how to continue.

Just peak through the door.

Tobi carefully and slow opened the door.

"Oh my beautiful' Said both sides of Zetsu to an object hidden by shadows. The plant man shifted and the object could now be seem clearly.

_Um... Tally_

_**Y-yes T-tobi.**_

_Is th-that Z-Zetsu-san a-and a… a_

_**A rose? Y-yes.**_

_Tobi d-did not think that that was possible._

_**Neither did I Tobi. Neither did I**_

_I think Tobi is scared for life now._

_**So am I Tobi, so am I. Just shut the door Tobi. Shut the door**_

Tobi all too willingly complied.

_**Why don't you go find Zetsu now.**_

* * *

Tobi was standing in front of Kisame's door.

_**Don't worry Tobi. I mean the odds of Kisame doing the same thing that Zetsu was doing are 1,000,000 to 0.0000000000000000000000001.**_

_If you say so_. Tobi now opened Kisame's door. His eyes closed.

_**Tobi how can I see if your eyes are closed?**_

Tobi slowly opened his eyes. His jaw dropped underneath his mask. In Kisame's room was a giant fish tank. Inside the tank was Kisame and three sharks all wearing tutus and doing underwater ballet.

_**Wow. There actually pretty good... except Kisame in a pink tutu. That's just gross.**_

_And people ask how I'M in Akatsuki. _

_**Well it could have been worse. Now go check up on Neji. I'm worried that something has happened to him.**_

_What can happen? He's in his room._

_**Still... can you please check up on him for me?**_

_Sigh… fine._

_**Yay! Tobi is a good boy!**_

_DSL:FH:LSDFKLDSF:LDSFJ_

_**Tobi has a pouty mouth**_

_Dfasdfs_

(line)

_Oh dear._

_**Tobi…**_

_Yes_

_**WHERE THE HECK IS NEJI HUH? "WHAT CAN HAPPEN? HE'S IN HIS ROOM" MY (BLEEP)!**_

_Well what do you want me to do?_

_**Go find him!**_

_Maybe he walked out on his own._

_**No. I would have known if he did. The chip in his brain is telling me that he's still out of it. Someone must have taken him!**_

_Who?_

_**Maybe it was Itachi!**_

_Itachi? _

_**Yeah. Neji thinks that he saw you guys the other day.**_

_No, Itachi is not that kind of person._

_**If you say so… then who took him? Who would need… oh dear pie**_

_What?_

_**Sasori…**_

_That's a possibility._

_**WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! GO FIND SASORI AND RESCUE NEJI!**_

_We still don't eve know if Sasori really took-_

_**Look at your left foot Tobi.**_

_Well yep. It's defiantly Sasori._

On the floor under Tobi's left foot was a piece of red fabric with Sasori's mark on it.

* * *

Me: Wow. The very first Neji Files cliff hanger

Evil Tobi: How come I'm doing all of the work?

Me: What the heck? You left Tobi and me when we saw… gah the mental images

Evil Tobi: Well I'm evil so live with it.

Me: (Lightning flashes) you will show me some respect.

Evil Tobi: What the heck! You stole my lightning!

Me: Oh please, your lighting? It was Kakuzu using his thunder jutsu the whole time. I just paid him more money then you did.

Evil Tobi: That fickle miser.

Me: Well people review for Neji! Who knows what horrors will happen to him! I know you wanna read about it!

Evil Tobi: Dang… I need another source for my menacing lightning. Readers! Help me out here! Give ideas! Or else you shall suffer from my wrath (No evil music or lightning) Dangit… It's just not the same.

Me: (lightning flashed and evil music plays) MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA


	5. Sasori, Pein and Konan

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto. If I did then Neji would be insane and scare people with his... insanity.

* * *

Me: Hello! And where back to bring you an important announcement!

Evil Tobi; (cheesy music plays) (In sing song voice) When your stomach is a growlen' Then you know what to do! Just go to your cabent'en' and grab some… EVIL O's!

Me: (in a really fast voice) Cautionfor EVIL O's maycausecancer,obesityandmaycauseyourchildtogetreally,really,REALLYfat. EVIL O's arenotresponsibleifanyofthesaidthingshappen. Eatatyourownrisk.

Evil Tobi: WHY THE HECK AM I DOING THIS!?

Me: Because you're under contract and I like to mess with people. Here (hands a bowl of cereal) Have some EVIL O's!

Evil Tobi: I'm going to go find Neji. (Leaves)

Me:…. I wonder if Hidan will eat this. Probably not. He might really die…

* * *

Tobi pranced down the halls. He was on a hunt for Neji. And he was hungry like the… kitten!

_Sasori's room should be just around this corner. _Tobi started to sing "I'm a little tea pot" as he skipped merrily along.

_**Be carful Tobi.**_

_Don't worry Tally! Tobi is a good boy!_

_**Ok…**_

Tobi stopped. He had reached Sasori's room. Slowly he peeked inside.

_I don't see Sasori-sempai!_ Tobi pulled his head into the room and looked around. Sasori's room was very neat and tidy. The bed was perfectly made and not a single cloak or clothing article on the floor.

_**Wow. Sasori must be a neat freak. Ok Tobi. Poke around his room for clues as to where he is keeping Neji.**_

_But this is Sasori-sempai's room! Tobi shouldn't poke around. It is rude and violates Sasori's private space._

_**You sneak into Deidara's room just fine and play with his clay when he forbids you to do so.**_

_That's different! Sempai loves Tobi!_

_**And Sasori doesn't?**_

_No, Sasori-sempai loves Tobi too but... Sasori would kill Tobi for sure if he caught Tobi messing with his stuff._

_**Don't worry about him killing you. Sasori owes me a favor anyways.**_

_Ok… If you say so…._ Tobi stepped into the room on his tips toes. He had his arms up against his chest. His hands pointed down in front of him. He sneaked, well sneakily around the room. Tobi looked under the bed and under the sheets. He squealed with delight when he found the latest Fruits Basket under the pillow.

_**Hey! That's my book! He said he lost it! That (bleep)!**_

_Tally said a bad word!_

_**Yeah what else is new? Check the closet next.**_

_O-Okay….._ Tobi slowly opened the closet door and found…

_**Another door? How clichéd. Anyway let's see what it leads to. It might be where he's keeping Neji.**_

_Tobi don't like this. _

_**Oh hey! Neji is back to earth. You follow this door and I'll see what's happening to him.**_

* * *

Meanwhile

* * *

"OH DEAR PIE!" Neji screamed at the top of his lungs. "SOMEBODY SHOOT ME PLEASE! MY EYES! MY EYES! THEY BURN! OH DEAR PIE I WANT TO DIE!"

* * *

Tally Mai, who is currently staying with Naruto in his apartment, was looking at the blank monitor that was the camera in Neji's eyes.

"Come on… come on… work baby work." She lightly taped the side of the monitor that was slowly coming back to life. "That's a good monitor… that's a good monitor…. OH MY PIE!! NEJI!"

* * *

The door had lead to a long, dark and scary hallway. Tobi bravely (not really) treaded on the hard, cold floor. With joy he found a door at the other end with light seeping from the cracks. Tobi did a little victory dance and opened the door.

"OKAY AND ONE AND A TWO AND A THREE! NOW STRETCH… AND STRETCH! NOW DOWN UP ONE AND DOWN UP ONE!" The TV blared. On it was an 80's workout video. But that's not the scary part. Sasori was standing in the middle of the room wearing 80's work out clothes. He had a tight baby blue long sleeve shirt with a hot pink spandex jump suit over it.

_**TOBI DON'T LOOK! … Too late…. **_

Standing next to Sasori with a thick metal chain around his ankle was Neji, wearing the same this as Sasori.

_**GET OUT OF THERE TOBI! SAVE YOURSELF!**_

_WHAT THE HECK!_

_Oh hi evil Tobi._

_What happened to… oh dear pie._

_Quick! Save Neji! Save Neji!_

_MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL EYES!_

_SAVE NEJI!  
_

* * *

Evil Tobi somehow saved Neji from the horrors of Sasori doing 80's workout videos. Both he and Neji were trembling.

_**Good job guys!**_ Came Tally's voice in both of their heads.

Neji looked like he was about to cry. "I can't take this anymore! WHY ARE THERE DANCING PICKLES ON THE WALLS!?"

Tobi glared at him then gave him the beeyoch slap of justice. "Pull yourself together! You're going crazy and that's just what she wants!"

"No!" Neji cried horrified.

_**He's right you know. I really need that money I lost from Tsunade back.**_

_(BLEEP) YOU!_ They both yell mentally at Tally Mai.

_**Sorry but I don't think about you guys the same-**_

_NOT LIKE THAT!_

_**Oh sorry. Anyway there are only two people left so we might as well finish this up.**_

"Oh thank heavens!". Neji was surrounded by imaginary flowers and fairies.

…

…

_**Yeah… Evil Tobi you're going to get the juice on Leader and Neji you are going after Konan. Good luck and remember! Don't get caught!**_

_(Bleep) __you!_

* * *

Normal Tobi was back again and skipping down the hallway… once again.

_Here it is! Leader's room!_ Tobi pounded on the door. Leader's very angry voice rang through the entire base.

"WHAT THE FRIGGEN HECK DO YOU WANT TOBI!"

"Tobi wants too… Tobi wants' to... get to know leader!"

"…. Come in."

"Yay!" Tobi entered the room and found Leader sitting at his desk with a pencil and paper in his hands. "What are you doing leader-sama?" Tobi tried to look over Leaders shoulder to read the paper. Leader quickly covered it up, hiding its contents.

"It's nothing Tobi." Leader said. He tried vainly to keep the paper hidden from Tobi. Tobi faked to the left and dashed to leader's right and snatched the paper from Leaders hands. "TOBI!" He jumped at Tobi but the swiftly little nin agilely dodged him and ran (cough pranced cough) to the other side of the room. Tobi quickly skimmed the paper.

"Leader… is this…"

"Tobi I know it looks bad… but I swear I can explain everything."

"This is the rough draft for the next Icha, Icha series."

"Tobi I-"

"But doesn't Jiraiya write this?" Dun, dun dunnnnn! It's evil Tobi!

"He- I that-"

Tobi used his most menacing voice. "Tell. Me. The. Truth. NOW!"

"I am the true writer for Icha, Icha! Jiraiya publishes it under his name for me…"

"I've lost all my respect for you."

"Yeah… I know…."

* * *

Neji was sitting in the kitchen across from Konan. They were locked in a deadly battle of… Staring Contest! Neither blinked. It has been 5 minuets and they were still going strong. Neji smirked cockily.

"You can't win. Fate has already decided this." He sneered at her. She smirked as well.

"Fate you say? I believe in no such thing. "Fate" will be your downfall."

"We'll see about that."

Their glares at each other intensified. Total silence then…

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" The distinct sound of Deidara's clay bombs broke their concentration and they blinked at the same exact time.

"DANGIT!" They both yell. _'I'm going to kill Deidara later for this._' They begin to plot the blonde's doom together.

"Hey what's that?" A picture had fallen out of Konan's pocket.

"Hmm...? Oh snap!" She quickly reached out for the picture but Neji beat her to it. Neji smirked as he put the picture right up to his. He choked on his own saliva and dropped the picture.

"Was that…"

"Um… Neji-san, please…. Understand." Neji grabbed her by the hem of her shirt.

"WAS THAT ME AND HIDAN NAKED!?" Neji didn't care (or think) that the entire base and all the criminals it in heard every word he said.

"I can explain."

"HOW THE HECK DID YOU GET THAT!?" Neji of course meant it along the lines of 'I never got naked with that man.' But every other person in the base took it as 'Yes I got naked with that man and now I am demanding how you got a picture of it.'

"I doctor pictures and videos of the other members and sell it on the internet to the yoai fan girls. It's the organizations main income. But the others didn't know about it."

"So it's not real?"

"Yep."

"My sanity." Neji let go of Konan and left the kitchen in a daze. He ignored the other members piled up outside the door gasping at him. Luckily for Konan they didn't hear what she said.

"Wow." Was all Tobi could say. Hidan was praying vigorously and mumbling about more sacrifices.

"Tobi is going to bash Tobi's head with a brick now…"

* * *

Me: Yosh!

Neji: That's the end right?

Me: Nope! The mission will never end until you lose your sanity.

Neji; But I finished the mission!

Me: (thinks) Yes you did… but remember (evil glint in eye) your contract says that you still have one mission left to complete.

Neji: What about Tobi?

Me: Oh his contract is over… besides. He cannot help you with your last mission. (More evil glint in eye)

Neji: (horrified) A-another m-mission?

Me: YOSH! OPERATION RAT OUT THE GAY!

Neji: What??

Me: You heard me. Statistically one of the Akatsuki should be gay!

Neji: And how do you figure that out?

Me: Easy. A group of **GUY** criminals that travel in **PAIRS**. Not that hard to figure out.

Neji: What about Konan?

Me: Do they ever try to hit on her?

Neji: Well…. No

Me: Then there is your answer. Neji your next mission starts to tomorrow. Be sure to get some sleep.

Neji: I hate you

Me: I loves yous toos!

* * *

**Next time!** The new mission begins! Operation rat out the gay!

_Reviewing gets next chapter_

Reviewing gets next chapter

**Reviewing gets next chapter**

_Reviewing gets next chapter_

Reviewing gets next chapter

**Reviewing gets next chapter**

_Reviewing gets next chapter_

Reviewing gets next chapter


	6. Tobi and Who's gay?

Me: YOOOOOSH! IT IS TIME FOR ANOTHER YOUTHFUL-!

Neji: YOUTH! (Has spasms and drools)

Me: (eye twitches) Anyways it's time for the last chapter of the Neji files!

Tobi: Yay! Tobi is so happy!

Me: Tobi go away.

Tobi: (sad) But why Tally-chan?

Me: Because (grabs a ice cream cone that came out of nowhere and tosses it)

Tobi: ICE CREAM! (Chases)

Me: (watches) Okaaaaaay. Anyways dear readers! You all think that I forgot about Tobi didn't you? Well I didn't! HIS dirty secret is reveled in this chapter.

Neji: (still drooling)

Me: MAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Lightning flashes and evil music plays)

Evil Tobi: MY lightning!

Me: Hi!

Evil Tobi: (bleep!) you!

Me: …. Oh your gonna get it now. NEJI!

Neji: FUDGE MUFFINS AND PIGGY BEEF WITH CORNO JACK BACON COOKED IN MAPLE SUGAR!

Me and Evil Tobi: OKAAAAAAAAAAAY

Me: Yosh let's start this thing!

* * *

Neji had thankfully recovered from the mental images that plagued his mind for the past five days. Everyone forgot about the whole thing… well ALMOST forgot the WHOLE thing. Let's just say Neji and Hidan stayed VERY far away from each other.

_**Come on Neji! Your final mission! Operation rat out the gay!**_

Neji sighed. _Yeah I know._

_**Well get going.**_

_I am, I am!_

* * *

Neji walked into the living room to find everyone already gathered there. They ignored him as usual.

_**Say hi!**_

_No._

_**SAY HI!**_

"Hi" Neji said. They all stopped whatever they were doing and stared at him. Neji felt really retarded.

_Now they think I'm queer._

_**Well you are. You did just say hi to a group of S-rank criminals.**_

Neji unlashed a mighty roar. "YOU TOLD ME TO SAY HI TO THEM!" He yelled. Neji just about killed himself on the spot when he realized that he just said that out loud. He slowly looked at the Akatsuki sitting on the couch. He could tell what they were all thinking.

'_That kid is insane.'_

"I can explain" he quickly said. "I hear Tally Mai's voice in my head!" He received you-belong-in-a-mental-asylum looks in reply.

_**Remember the mission Neji.**_

"(bleeping)(bleep) THE (bleeping) MISSION!" He yelled. Activating his byakugan he jumped into the center of the room and slammed his fists down on the coffee table nearly snapping it in two.

"FESS IT UP NOW! WHICH ONE OF YOU IS GAY?"

"…" The Akatsuki were seriously scared. They of all people knew not to mess with crazy and insane people. Tally was a supreme example of that. She invented a jutsu that turns things into mushrooms for petes sake! (Me: See my other story Me, my friend and Akatsuki. chapter 20 for the chapter featuring that jutsu (wink)

A glint appeared in Neji's eyes as he pointed at Sasori accusingly. "Is it the puppet man who was partnered with a snake who molests children?" Sasori's eyes widened and he gasped.

"Are you accusing me for being gay just because I worked with Orochimaru a few years back? You're insane! I only love my art! Beside's …I'm Homophobic"

Neji pointed next at Kisame. "Or is it the half human half shark demon sword fighter? You seem so found hurting people. Maybe you like to cause pain in _other ways_."

"What!?" Kisame growled. "I am perfectly straight! And so what if I like to chop off a few appendages? That DOES not mean I like to do _that_! I'm anti-rape! My mother was raped for petes sake!"

"Really?" Everyone asked stunned. Kisame blushed madly and hid his face behind is kick butt sword Samantha- I mean Samehada.

"Or is it you!" Neji pointed next at Hidan. "The religious zealot who performs rituals on a daily basis. Tell me dose your religion promote gay love?"

"HECK NO!" Hidan had a look of pure hate in his eyes. Neji didn't question him anymore of fear of his life and instead pointed his finger accusingly at the next Akatsuki. "Then how about the infamous Uchiha! Who-"

"No." Itachi had his Sharingan activated and boy if looks could kill… wait a sec…. In Itachi's case looks CAN kill.

"Okay! It's not Itachi! Then how about you!!" he pointed at Deidara. "The mad suicidal male bomber that looks like a girl! You purposely look like a girl to get "attention" from other males!"

"NO WAY, UN!" Deidara resorted. "I can't help it if I'm born this way! Yeah!"

Neji nodded his head. Yeah you can't help it of your born like a girl. "Then what about you Pein! You have six bodies! Having a six some are we?"

"Oh heck no. And if you so much as try to contradict me I will castrate your (bleep) to (bleeping) next Tuesday."

"Then what about you Kakuzu! You seem awfully interested in money hmm? Maybe it's because you use that money to pay men to "do" things with you!"

"Oh please. All the money I get goes straight to the vault."

"It's true" Pein confirmed. Neji nodded his head thoughtfully. Only three left. It has to be one of them. "Zetsu!"

"**I swear I'm going to eat you**. We're not gay." Neji sweat dropped.

"Yeah right, two guys in one body?"

"**You're dead**. We're the same person just different personalities."

"Ahh…." Neji knew for sure he was going to be covered in paper cuts for this but it had to be done. Maybe Tally Mai would save him from Konan's wrath.

_**Don't count on it.**_

"Konan!" he hollered. "A woman who sells yoai pictures of the Akatsuki ion the internet! Surely you are gay yourself." Konan reminded calm on the outside but on the inside… she was imagining all the ways she could kill him.

"No, just ask the yoai fan girls. They're not gay."

"… okay… and then there was one."

"TOBI HAS SEX ONCE WITH A MAN! BUT TOBI WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN! TOBI WAS DRUNK! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY! TOBI'S A GOOD BOY! HE WIL NEVA, NEVA GET DRUNK AGAIN!"

"You… had… with a man?"

"Tobi's not gay! Tobi swears on Deidara-sempais grave!"

"I'm not dead Tobi, un!"

"Oh, Hi sempai!"

"…."

"…."

A vein throbbed on Neji's forehead. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH! ONE OF YOU IS GAY AND I'M NOT STOPING UNTIL I FIGURE OUT WHO!" Silence.

"It's me." Every head turned to look at…. Tobi!

_**It's evil Tobi!**_

"Evil Tobi?" Neji asked. Evil Tobi laughed manically.

"Yes! But I am not Tobi, or "evil Tobi" I am! (spoiler) Madara!" Lightning flashes and corny music plays. "dang radio" Madara muttered. "Never plays the evil music I put in it.

"How?" Neji snapped. Madara chuckled.

"It's simple really. After being alive for so long you eventually tire of woman. Men, oh men are much better! Their hormones are much more responsive! And (this part is censored for this is a T rated fic. Sorry if you wanted to hear this). You under stand now?"

Everyone was just too shocked to speak.

"**I did not see that coming**" Zetsu's black side said. "Kakuzu you owe us money."

"Dangit."

"OMG FRIGGEN GOSH I'M FREE! NO MORE MISSIONS!" Neji did a little happy dace before being knocked out with a tazer. Tally Mai proofed into the room and poked Neji in the arm.

"You better be insane Neji" she whispered. When Neji woke up he stared to hop like a frog while barking like a dog. Tally was thrilled.

"Yosh! I can finally get my money back from Tsunade! Oh Hi guys!" She waved cheerfully at the still stunned Akatsuki members. "I must say. Evil Tobi being the gay one was most surprising. I was so sure it was Kakuzu. Such a shame. Anyways I'll be taking Neji back to Konoha! Oh and I'm staying here next week so don't forget! Bye!" She grabbed Neji and slung him over her shoulders like a sack of potato's and proofed out of the room.

"What's that?" Good Tobi was back again and picked up a video tape that was on the ground where Tally proofed away. "it says 'Akatsuki details' on it"

"Let's watch it." Kisame suggested. The others agreed seeing they had nothing better to do.

* * *

The Akatsuki had just watched the end of the tape that was actually the recordings from the camera's in Tobi's and Neji's eyes. Things will NEVER be the same within the Akatsuki again.

"This is all her fault (un)" The entire Akatsuki chanted together

* * *

Me: The end! So sad I know.

Neji: Hello Tally! (Flowers swirl around Neji)

Me: I see Tsunade fixed your brain.

Neji: (very cheerful) Yep!

Me: Well since your feeling so better I can announce my next story!

Neji: What?

Me: THE NEJI FILES 3!

Neji: (flowers instantly wilt away and Neji freezes with horror) NO! MY CONTRACT IS OVER WITH!

Me: Oh and here's your money (gives Neji the money I promised him two stories ago.)

Neji: (greedily grabs the money)

Me: Do you accept the money?

Neji: Heck yeah!

Me: Great! Cuz in your previous contract in invisible ink it states that if you accept the money promised to you then you are officially under the second contract that lies in coordination with the first one.

Neji: WHAT!

Me: Basically accepting the money means you're under contract again.

Neji: NUUUU! I don't want it!

Me: Too late. Now for your fourth mission you will be coming to my world!

Neji: You come from another world?

Me: I'll explain later… anyways your first mission in my world is to learn the secret ingredient in Krispy Kreame Dounuts!

Neji: What?

Me: Okay people you know the routine. Review for the sequel!!


End file.
